I've Done Everything Wrong: A Confession in Favor of Singleness

To be single is to be unfulfilled in the eyes of society, in the eyes of a church or religion, and oftentimes in the eyes of your family.

If you don't have a significant other, if you are not in the process of a relationship, if you are not married by a certain age, then what are you really doing with your life, right?

I mean, you cannot really be considered an adult until you're married. That's just common sense, surely.

Obviously, you are not complete until you have someone. You will only be able to accomplish half of what you are capable of, because you need someone else. The verse that I have seen quoted hundreds of times in terms of relationships is Genesis 2:18, in which God explains that it is "not good for man to be alone."

But singleness is not a punishment. 

Should I repeat this line several thousand times? Because most of you just don't seem to get this.

It's not some sentence to carry out in martyrdom. It's not a time to just wait around, praying for the Lord to bring you someone to "complete" you. It's not a time in which you can just be lazy and unguarded in your emotions, opening yourself up to a tornado of hurt and pain. Get a grip on yourself. Seriously.

You don't have to date.

Woah, shocking, life-changing news, I know.

Your life is not horrible simply because you do not have a significant other. You are not "forever alone." Have some pride and dignity.

Now, don't believe that just because I am saying these things to you in love that I've done everything perfectly. I have made a multitude of mistakes, and I simply want to pass on a small portion of the hard-earned wisdom that I've (accidentally) acquired in the process.

General Tips and Guidelines:

1. What are your intentions? 

Many who listen to your moans and groans regarding "serious relationships" have probably advised you to discern straight away, "What are his/her intentions in terms of relationship?" However, I challenge you to go a step further, instead asking yourself primarily, "What are my intentions?" How do I see this relationship? Am I ready for the kinds of commitment that I expect in another?

I didn't bother asking myself this question in my last relationship, or any past relationship for that matter. I did question their motives, what their intentions were, but what were my own?  I certainly didn't know, and it ended up costing not only him, but me as well, a great deal of unnecessary pain and strife.

If you go into a relationship without any clear idea of what you want out of it, and whether or not these desires and wants are healthy and wise, you will fail. 

It's equivalent to going on a 4,000 mile road trip without a map, or GPS in hand. You will get lost, and you won't get to any destination that you were hoping to perhaps drop by on the way. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, getting lost is neither ideal, nor enjoyable, and getting lost in a relationship can be detrimental to the condition of your heart and emotions, regardless of whether it's a small attachment, or large one.

2. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

If you are not ready for any kind of relationship, then you are not ready. It's not the end of the world. God is not going anywhere. He's not abandoning you to a life of solitude. You don't have to do this on your own, and it is quite frankly not up to you to seek and create the "perfect" relationship for yourself. Just admit that you are fallible, probably cannot be trusted to pave your way solely of your own volition, and move on.

Again, I tried to create my own ideal relationship. I listened to what everyone else thought, what I wanted, what I could get out of it, and I selfishly charted my own failed course. It sucked. I threw away my heart and emotions and trampled on someone else's. I let my own fears and insecurities rule the relationship, rather than focusing on encouraging and building a strong relational foundation. I was mean-spirited at times, condescending, and above all, incredibly selfish.

But did I realize this at the time? No, of course not. Because I was young and foolish, not only in age, but in my warped understanding of relationships as a whole.

Speaking of warped understanding...

3. The "Let's Just See Where It Goes" Mind(trap)set

Waiting around in the hopes of potentially, maybe finding a person that you could spend the rest of your life with is not a wise decision. If you don't have clear-cut expectations and boundaries at the start of any kind of relationship, someone is going to end up with the short of end of the stick. "Seeing where it goes" is never something that just happens. 

4. Stop shaming yourself.

It's not wrong to desire relationships. It's not wrong to desire marriage.

However, it's not okay to view someone else's relationship (thank you, social media) and incessantly think, "Wow, look at how perfect and wonderful their relationship looks! Everyone seems like they have some significant other... What's wrong with me?"

STOP. LETTING. YOURSELF. FALL. INTO. THIS. TRAP.

Their relationship is not perfect. That is impossible. Repeat that after me. That is impossible. It may not look like it, but every relationship has its struggles.

If all that you know of it is their social media presence, then I can assure you that it only looks like that. They are only posting the good things that happen, instead of all of the messy gunk in between.

If it looks like this...

Then, chances are that these moments exist, too...

So, what is the solution?

Seek the Lord.

Every pastor speaking on singleness preaches this, and everyone seems to whip this piece of advice out at a moment's notice.

But, what does it mean?

Stop waiting around for someone to "complete" you, for someone to make you a better person, for someone to help you to grow in your faith.

Because if this is what you are seeking and expecting, prepare yourself for severe disappointment.

The only being that can give you the above is God. You are not alone. God loves you more purely, more deeply, more sincerely, than any man or woman could ever love you.

Philippians 4:12-13- "I know how to live humbly, and I know how to abound. I am accustomed to any and every situation-- to being filled and being hungry, to having plenty and having need. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Be not only content in your circumstances, but love where you are. Take this abundance of time that you have the privilege of not having to share with another to do something. Rejoice in the circumstances that the Lord has given you, and make something of it. Use the time to disciple others, to grow in your faith, to cultivate the attributes that you seek in another in yourself. 

Seek Him first, and put the burden of expectations and planning on His shoulder's. 

He can take it, I promise.

That is why my prayer today is this:

Lord, thank you so much for the circumstances that you've spared me from and the ones you've allowed me to learn from. Help me to believe that You and You alone are in charge of charting the course of my life, and that I can trust in you completely and utterly with every aspect of my life. This is not just some time in my life to "get through" but to instead enjoy and prosper from. Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that there is a time for everything, and no time is better than any other. Allow me to grow and blossom in my faith and be able to bolster the young men and women around me. Thank you for loving me unequivocally.

Amen.